Emotion Index

This is where Ill be indexing current emotions, as an attempting to learn how to use them
May 28th 2017

I woke up today, to the sound of a quiet kitchen. The tension between my step-mother and father seemed to have dissapated as both of them went into the gym. After a brief scroll through tumblr, youtube, and my email, I rose out of my bed and noticed the kitched was left in the state that it was since the night before. This in itself made me a little upset, though being the only one that tends to the kitchen, I figured it wasnt a big deal. I drank some coffee, and scarfed down some left-overs they brought last night. I have grown fond of the absensce of both parents. the feeling of constant oppression and tension seems to lift off my shoulders when they are away.

A tad reluctant to do the kitchen, I walk off with a bowl of pasta in my hand and indulge in some Sunday Morning news. After about two videos, I finish eating when I look at the time, and get a subtle but present feeling of their approach. As a kid growing up, I've grown very keen to their schedule. When I was younger, I would use the time they were away to do the things I. "wasnt" supposed to do, and enjoy the solidarity that came with being home alone. Even though they cant tell me what to do, I cannot seem to shake away this feeling.

Eventually I come around to doing the kitchen, hoping that I would finish up before they came home. Though, unfortunately that dream did not last. I hear the garage open, which naturally made me jump at this point, and continued to play it cool, doing a good job to disguise my disgruntled feelings about them both. Mom enters, puts her things on the counter, and begins looking through the pantry for whatever food she could scourge. Eventually she finds a can of tuna, and begins to open it, dirtying the counter I had just specifically cleaned

Oh great, I am not going to leave this kitchen for another three days.

I thought to myself, a tad pissed that I wasnt able to finish before they came home. Mom asked me a few questions about some pointless bullshit, attempting to create small talk, then giving me a lecture on how I should do the kitchen more than once. This obviously set me off, but since I was living under their roof, I have always been condition to keep my mouth shut, and anything I say or do would be held against me in a future arguement of some kind.

Soon after Mom came in, so did Dad. He didnt have much to say, he hadnt spoken to anybody since Saturday. He walked past everybody,and went into his room, closing the door behind him. This stirred up deep childhood fears. My dad only made that expression when he was mad at somebody, and knowing that his marriage wassnt in the best state right now, I immediately reverted to things that I may have done to piss him off. I looked outside the kitchen to a emerald colored pool, and made the assumption that he was pissed off at me for not keeping his pool "Sparkling Clean"

"You see, most of the time I do not mind doing the kitchen, though if you expect me to keep your 5000 dollar investment clean because you refuse to pay someone to clean it for you, you got another thing coming. Cleaning the pool is tedious, and demands constant attention. Attention that I rather use on something else. My attention is incredibly finite, and I am already pissed that I have to spend it cleaning after everyone's meals. "

I begrudgingly sit down, now forgetting that I had left my coffee in the microwave, and was greeted to an industrial sized pancake box. "You are going to make these today with your sister." said my mom, using the box as if it were some kind of mental punishment. "Ok." I responded reluctantly, playing off the typical fascade I wear around them. She repeated herself, though her demands where directed towards my sister.

"I am going to need my meds for this."

I thought to myself, knowing that the medicine I take for ADHD keeps me calm and content. It had only been 20 minutes since they had come home, and they were already demanding the both of us (primarily me) to do whatever they didnt want to do. Hell, If I had that luxury.

After Lecturing us for some on 5 minutes about how she had bought this box for the both of us (which was false), and that since it had been laying in the fridge and she wants us to make it today, I simply responded with "ok." There was no point in trying to persue or defend my point of view. Under this roof, my opinion had never been considered, and to this day, as a 21 year old man, my opinion remains stagnant. My sister obviously threw a fit, as she was encroaching the age of rebellion in young girls. This was expected of her, though the fact that my mother pulled her aside and spewed on about how "She is in Customer Service" and that she "Has to Deal with nasty people all the time. And how she doesnt want to come home to that." shtick, I've heard it all before. Feeling my meds kick in, my mood started to shift. Despite being slightly disgruntled, the medicine made it apparent, but resonable to work around. As my sister wafted off to hear the spiel about my mom's "terrible life" I went back to my room, and attempted to make plans for the day, I wasnt going to wait for her to pour her heart out, I had stuff I needed to do.

I sent out a text to an Employer I had visited on Friday to shadow one of the employees, checking to see if they wanted me to come back to work for them. I had made the assumption (Which was stupid of me) that since they wanted me to come in a shadow, that they would then persue further means of employing me.

"This was too easy..."

I thought to myself, knowing that usually things are almost never easy for me, I still had to have hope or else I wouldnt be able to get out of bed. She responded back fairly quickly, saying that I wasnt a right fit for their comapny, and that the shadowing was only for a day. This made my heart sink. Thinking about it now, It was pointless for me to have high hopes from the start, but at the time reading this I was more or so a bit hurt at the fact that she made it seem that employment was absolutely guarenteed. Almost immdeiately thoughts flew through my head, as once again my self-hatred flourished with reasons why they would suddenly just quit on me. The same thoughts of my own mediocrity at everything flooded my mind.

Did I slam a door, did I come off too egotistical, Did I creep them out, Was I too quiet? Maybe I spoke too much, why... Why... why...

I got up, showing the text to my mom, where she glanced at it, and said "Oh well, they were too convuluted anyways." As I went to show the text to my Dad, I noticed that he drove off somewhere, so I sent him the exact message word for word. He responded back fairly quickly, saying "Good, now you can spend Today and tomorrow looking for work. " This erked me a little being that when I was seventeen, I wasnt allowed to be home all summer, so he changed the alarm code and made sure that I could only come home when they were home. Those kinds of texts took me back to those summer days.

I sat back down, and stared at my black screens for a bit, absorbing the information that I had just gotten.

"Cheers to another week of me not making any money because I am terrible at everything..."

I thought to myself, resting my hand on my forehead. I opened up chrome and began looking for work, starting at craigslist. I looked at every typical job classified before peeking into the gigs ssection of craigslist. I typed "Web developer " and began emailing everyone who was looking for a web dev. Most of the people read my emails, but didnt respond, and the only response I got was someone who said that they werent interested. I sighed and moved on, hoping that I would find work or at least some sort of income. After 10 minutes of searching for work i had gotten a calll from someone. The guy told me that he was actually interested and was looking for a person to develop his site. My spirits lifted, and I told him a it about myself, though I may or may not have interupted him a few times. After a few times where he and I lost connection from each other, he hung up. I tried calling back, but he wouldnt pick up, so I sent him an email with my skype information hoping for a second chance. He read my emails, but never responded... I felt defeated... Part of me thought that I could hear him, though my mind was too excited and began thinking up all the probabilities that could and couldnt happen. That combined with my lack for understanding social cues probably scared him away.

I rested my head in my arms and couldnt shake the feeling of saddness...

My own mind is a curse... Im nearly unemployable because of it...I thhink too fast, and dont respond fast enough... Why would whatever diety created me think that this is funny. I am suffering.

I spent the rest of my day checking my emails, and working on the Ren and Rosco Website That was already a month overdue. Eventually, I got on to making music, and felt satisfied until that feeling of scrutiny overcame me again. I needed to eat. I was so preoccupied on my own self loathing, that I had completely forgotten to feed myself. I walked out to see that the kitchen that I had just cleaned was a warzone... typically, this is expected when they cook, though thhe fact that my little sister is so pampered, that she doesnt have to do any chores what so ever, infuriated me. Though, my opinion never mattered here... There would be no one that would hear me out... I silently did the task of house maid, overwhelmed with saddness and pain. I've always been alone, and I knew that I would be ridiculed if I shared my pain with someone. I wanted to cry... But I couldnt... I refuse to show them my weakness...

I deserve this... I am an awful person... Bad people need to be punished... EDIT: After Writing this, I feel the pain still. though it is significantly better than what I originally intended. I'll Certainly add to this in the future.